Conversation Case Study #1

Dorene:  

 Dorene is an older lady, in her late 50’s. She’s a recovering alcoholic and battles depression.  Whilst speaking with Dorene, I was informed that she believes she has found the root of her depression. (An impressive feat, no doubt) 

Dorene explained to me that her 22-year-old daughter hasn’t spoken to her in years, wants nothing to do with her and certainly will not allow access to her child, Dorene’s granddaughter. 

I can certainly see why that would be painful… I didn’t say the quite part out loud (what kind of parent where you?)  though, judging by a future statement referencing the lack of forgiveness despite sobriety, and Dorene’s history with alcoholism, a myriad of stereotypes could be imagined.

I told Dorene that happiness needs to be derived from within. A statement she’s probably heard 1,000 times in the mental health community. A statement that is far easier to be uttered than it is to experience.

“Yeah but it’s like I lost something and now there’s a hole” 

“People are never ours to begin with.” I bit my tongue.

“Lucky are those who get to experience parenthood at all” I continued to think.

“It’s definitely easier said than done.”  I acknowledged her pain.

Sensing my momentum heading towards suggesting a path of acceptance, Dorene made a proclamation. She was going to go to Michigan to visit her sister and have a conversation with the stonewalling daughter. I had to be blunt.

“Don’t get your hopes up or set your expectations too high. One of the worst things we can do to regain closeness with someone wanting nothing to do with us, is to not honor those wishes. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to have an open, honest conversation; But I am saying that, ultimately, a parent’s happiness is not their child’s responsibility.”  

Ecudes~